Sunday, November 21, 2010

Close to 50 pounds down...and wanting more

I'm down almost 50 lbs.  The weight loss has been very consistent and it's been generally pretty easy to follow this program.  But there are those times...

The program is 5 Medifast "meals" and 1 "lean & green" meal (1 serving of healthy protein, 3 servings of low-carb veggies).  So I eat 4 MF meals throughout the work day, come home have the lean & green, then have my last MF meal in the evening.  Most of the time I have my L&G and I feel satisfied.  It's a reasonable amount of food.  But.  There are those times when it's not enough and I want to keep eating.  I think about my last measly MF meal (consisting of 100 calories as they all do) and feel a tinge of panic.  This is all I get to eat for the rest of the day?  What if I get really really hungry?  I want more! 

I have come to the conclusion that I'll probably always want more.  Just in general - when it comes to food I am never satisfied.  If I'm eating, I want more of whatever it is, and three other things besides.  If I'm not eating, I definitely want to be eating.  I just always want more food.  Even when I'm not hungry, if I let myself entertain the thought of food I really really want to be eating food.  Is this a sickness?  Why am I like that? 

Something to ponder. 

When it comes to weight loss, I also want more... I want to be thin immediately.  I can't just be happy that I lost a buttload of weight - 50 lbs is nothing to sneeze at!  I want to shop in the "normal" sizes and wear a 10 or 12, preferably right now.  I mean how fantastic would that be?  But will I feel "done" or will I still be dissatisfied? 

Weight is just...weight.  It doesn't dictate the quality of my life - I mean ok it does, but not to the degree that I think it does.  Weight doesn't determine if I'm happy in my job or even what job I have.  It doesn't determine whether I'm dating.  It doesn't determine whether I use my gym membership or let it gather dust.  I give it a lot of power, though.  Weight dictates my level of confidence - the lower the weight, the higher my feeling of self-worth.  Is this something I can change?  And if I lose weight and keep it off, does it even matter?